u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
