dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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