Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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