There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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