thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
