some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I'm determined to sit on that face.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
