if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
