She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
