Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Randomize
