I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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