The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
