clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
