And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
