no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
