She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
