im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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