Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
It's not a walk of shame if you run
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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