Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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