Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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