She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
