I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I need to calm my uterus...
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
