Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
