I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
