Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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