It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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