in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
