i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
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