Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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