I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Randomize
