He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
