She said her name was "party"
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
