I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Randomize
