My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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