I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
