fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
