Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
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