I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
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