I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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