They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
