I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
