Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
