you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
