Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
