Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
