I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize