The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize