he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
