nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
