I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
