Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
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