Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
