Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Randomize
