He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
