i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
All I want is dick and wine.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
