He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
