Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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