I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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