Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
