Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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