i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
im holly from the hills drunk
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
