Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
