Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
