He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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