Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Randomize
